


Leave A Light On If the Night's Too Dark

by Utu



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Implied/Referenced Incest, Incest, Jacob's POV, M/M, Other, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21514129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Utu/pseuds/Utu
Summary: When I held you, a small bundle that was my little brother, in my arms, I knew I would do anything to keep you safe. When I pressed my nose against the soft, sparse strands of damp hair and inhaled, filling my lungs with your scent I knew in that moment that come hell or high water, I would never step aside. I would always be there by your side, taking care of you, and protecting you from everything.
Relationships: Jacob Seed & John Seed, Jacob Seed/John Seed
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	Leave A Light On If the Night's Too Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Wanted to explore a different style of writing, so here's the end result. I hope you like it!  
> Also, this fic contains referenced/implied incest. It's not explicitly stated, or explored, but it's there if you read between the lines.

I never thought I could love someone so unconditionally, so deeply, that no matter what they did, I could never stop loving them, and start hating them. It was instant. When I held you, a small bundle that was my little brother, in my arms, I knew I would do anything to keep you safe. When I pressed my nose against the soft, sparse strands of damp hair and inhaled, filling my lungs with your scent I knew in that moment that come hell or high water, I would never step aside. I would always be there by your side, taking care of you, and protecting you from everything.

So I bent over, revealing my back to receive the lashes that were meant for you, John. I didn’t want you to suffer. I fixated on your pure blue eyes, the faint glimmer in them, holding back my screams. There was no room for my suffering, that’s why I hid it so well, because I knew, I fucking knew, that you would suffer if I didn’t. I did it gladly, and I would do it again. I would take your lashes even if they would peel the skin off my back to reveal the bones and muscles.

I couldn’t always protect you, sometimes you got beaten, and I would be so angry that I felt like I was going to implode. I would leave the nightlight on, and I would sit by your side, my hand over your head as you cried into your pillow, the blood soaking into your shirt. The only thing keeping me from lashing out was Joseph. He would always stare at me across the room, his eyes gleaming feverishly in the dark. And I knew, even back then, that he was going to be something great. I knew even then, that he'd been touched by something bigger. He was divine.

I remember how you relaxed, your head in my lap as we were taken away. Joseph was on the passenger’s seat, his eyes fixed forward. But I saw only you, John, and I held your hand, promising that everything would get better now. A lie, which I didn’t know back then. We learned it soon enough, and I felt like I had failed once again. What kind of a brother I was, if I couldn’t even protect you?

_Anything?_ you asked me.

_Anything_ , I replied and got up, not hesitating.

We watched as the flames rose to the sky, your hand in mine. Joseph was, like he’d always been, one step above us, just a little too far so I couldn’t reach him. But he didn’t need me. You did. So I held onto your hand, when the howling of the sirens filled the night. You were shaking when you pressed against my leg, your soft nails digging into my palm.

_I’m scared_ , you cried, the rumbling of the flames nearly drowning out your voice.

_The monsters?_ I asked.

I never had the chance to hear what you were so afraid of. I promised we would be united soon. I fought back, screaming for you both as they dragged me away, and when I was done fighting, I had skin and blood gathered under my nails. I scraped it off, leaning my head against the car window, your howls echoing in the night.

Could I have done something differently? I often wondered about that. Our time was cut so short that sometimes I feared you wouldn't remember me anymore. That time would erase me, and leave behind an empty, aching space. I never forgot a thing about you. Not your scent, not your insecurities, not your shy voice calling out to me in the night.

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years. You were in my mind all that time, my little brother, my friend, my everything. The knowledge that I had failed you haunted me, and more often than not I woke up screaming for you. Joseph was okay, he would always be okay, he would always thrive, but you, you were small, and soft. I never worried about Joseph, but I worried about you constantly, so much so that it made me physically ill.

I longed to hold you again, to wrap my arms around you and scream at the world, You won’t take my brother. I longed to hear your voice, and when I couldn’t sleep, I always wondered what you looked like. If you still liked reading, if you still liked poems, the lakes and the river and the wilderness. I had so many questions to ask of you, that most of them got lost in the scorching sand dunes of Iraq. Did you know that the only thing keeping me alive was you, John? Without you, I would’ve given up, because I knew, like I know now, that Joseph will always thrive. He doesn’t need me, he has never needed me, not the way you have.

Protector. That’s what I was. And that’s what I had failed to do.

Sometimes when I looked at the moon, I wondered if you were looking at it too, and thinking that of course you were. I would often feel the bond between us, albeit stretched thin, as strong as ever. My heart never stopped beating for you, my blood never stopped flowing for you, and my lungs never stopped heaving for you.

My handsome little brother. Remember when I hugged you in that motel room, when all the years of worrying and longing poured out? So much so, that my legs gave in, and I stumbled, making you fall too. You laughed, but your laughter wasn’t the laughter of your childhood which sounded like the wind chimes hanging outside our window. It was a low, rumbling laughter, which rose from the bottom of your lungs. You’d grown into a man. A handsome, successful man. I held you tightly, your body pressed into mine, and at that moment I swore I would never make the same mistakes again.

I dragged my hand through your sleek hair, and you winced, trying to look annoyed, but your happiness bled through and you laughed again, nuzzling my chest. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest when your hands kept gliding over my scars. You didn’t see them, did you, John?

_My handsome brother_ , you whispered to me, your eyes welling up. I thought the same thing, as I watched your smooth features, listening to your laughter.

You didn’t see the damage I had done, you didn’t see the broken soldier, you only saw your big brother. Every night you climbed next to me, and you would tell me stories of your life with a hushed voice. We thought Joseph didn’t hear us, but of course, he did. He listened to the harrowing stories of your childhood, and he felt like screaming, even though he’d heard them so many times before. Your words were the shrapnel underneath my skin, the panic that brewed in my stomach. But I hid my pain, because not even then did the world have enough room for my suffering. I played strong, so you wouldn’t have to.

Sometimes you would wake me up at night, your cheeks wet with tears.

_I saw a nightmare_ , you would tell me.

_Come here_ , I would reply, reaching my hand out to you in the darkness.

_I’m scared_ , you would confess, your voice that of a child’s as you took my hand.

_The monsters?_ I would ask.

_Yes._

And I would listen to your lungs heaving through the night when you would finally fall asleep, wondering what kind of monsters you hid inside your chest. And Joseph would look at us from his bed, his head slightly tilted, his eyes full of love. I would tighten my embrace, shaking my head, gritting my teeth together.

_No, I won’t let go_ , that simple gesture said. _Don’t you even dare try._

_Very well_ , Joseph’s curt nod told me as a warm smile spread to his face.

I was meant to protect you. To keep you from harm. Every scar you had, whether made by a belt, or a blade, or a needle, was my mistake, and my mistake alone. I would count your scars, trailing my fingers across your perfect skin, asking for forgiveness, over and over again until I remembered each and every one of your scars.

_You’ve done nothing wrong_ , you would tell me, when I, for the umpteenth time, pressed my fingers against the thick scars crisscrossing your back. _It wasn’t your fault_ , you would add.

_I know_ , I would tell you. You didn’t know it was a lie.

Can you remember it, John? Because I do. During those long nights on the road, sleeping in motels, cars, sometimes even hotels, I would always keep one eye fixed on you. My brother. My everything. I felt so old and banged beside you, as you were always so full of life, like electricity crackling in the night.

When I had my hands on the wheel, you would often sit beside me and watch as the night went by in a flurry of quiet conversation and hushed laughter. Sometimes you would keep your hand on my thigh when you grew too tired to talk. I love you, that simple touch said. I kept one eye on the road, and one eye on you. I was so afraid that I would lose you from my sight again, that no matter where we were, I always made sure I could see you. That you wouldn’t stray too far away. Sometimes it annoyed you, but I would laugh it off, ruffling your hair and making you laugh too.

And then Hope County, and had I known that it was to become your tomb, I would’ve dragged you away from there. When the ranch was done and the chalet built, you took my hand and led me to the balcony. We watched the sun slip behind the horizon, and we talked until the sun rose, your hand still in mine. You were so proud of the home we had built, that you cried, your tears soaking into my shirt. The heat and dampness of your breath brushing against my arm.

I never had the words to tell you how much I loved you, as we were never taught that way. But I imagine you knew it, felt it, and could hear it in my voice.

_John_ , I would call after you, when you were about to leave to attend to your duties.

_Yes?_ you would ask, your blue eyes staring at me, filled with love and certainty.

_Nothing_ , I would tell you and wave my hand, as to say, _go on then_. As long as you come back home, I would add when you were far enough so you wouldn’t hear me. I always left a light on for you, so you would always find your way home. I kept a light on until you came back, your soft footsteps always pausing behind my door. A quiet knock, and you peeked inside, your hand hovering over the light switch.

_Good night, Jacob_ , you said and smiled, shaking your head. You never understood why I waited for you.

_Good night._

My smile was a wordless I love you. You returned it. _I love you too_ , it said.

I love you so fucking much, I wanted to tell you, but instead I let you slip out of my room and into the dark corridor.

_Does it feel nice to finally have a home?_ you would sometimes ask, your fingers wandering on my damaged skin.

_I’m home when I’m with you, John_ , I would answer, leaning against your hand.

Every time the same question, and the same answer. It made your lips curl up into a smile, and as abashed as you were, you would hug me briefly. Like you were afraid that the longer you stayed close, the harder it would be to step away. It was like that for me, and I guess I never told you.

_Do you have a weakness?_ you once asked me.

_Of course, I do_ , I replied, tracing the lines of your tattoos with my index finger.

_What is it?_ you asked, trying so hard to look like you weren't deathly curious, like the answer wouldn't matter. But it did and we both knew it.

_You_ , I said casually. It always had been you, and it always would be.

Then the storm came, and we weren’t as prepared as I would’ve hoped. Joseph kept telling us that God had a plan, that we will march into Eden, that the storm will pass, that we will always be together. The storm never did pass, now did it? It came to stay and to flood our home. I didn't mind losing our home, but you, John, when I saw your cold, lifeless body I was sure my heart would stop beating. And for a moment it felt like it had, and I was so fucking glad. But it didn't. It kept beating despite the shock that was setting in, despite your cold skin against my palm, despite the grief twisting my insides.

I had one job. Protect you with all I have.

And I failed.

Forgive me, John. I could’ve done so much more, and if I could, I would turn back time so I could do things differently. I would take all the pain and suffering in this world to have you here, and I know it's selfish, but what do I have left now?

A light that I left on. It won't bring you home, now will it?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Please drop a Kudos, or a comment if you can. <3  
> xoxo
> 
> \- Toivo


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